Don’t you DARE body shame me – I’ve earned every inch of this thing!

Fed up and sick to death.

That’s what I am.

Fed up and sick to death of being told my body isn’t good enough.

My body – that thing hauling around my brain and emotions, sense of humor and dreams, as well as a couple generous handfuls of superfluous flesh.

As with many of life’s frustrations, this one finds its origins in social media.

My Facebook feed delivers at least half-a-dozen sponsored posts every day from various warped corporate minds trying to sell me ways to “flatter my figure.”

Not sure exactly why this happens. It could be a Zuckerberg shot in the dark based on gender and age. Possibly I hovered too long over an online advertisement promoting swimwear for the full-figured gal. A friend in the IT department said it’s because of my cookies, and I repeat that with a straight face. Just to be on the safe side I’ve covered the camera on my laptop with a piece of tape.

The most offensive of these posts are repeated urgings to invest in a body shaper.

These are ads showing pictures of women – with the assorted bulges one acquires along a life well-lived – forced into ridiculous outfits designed for females who aren’t yet old enough to drive.

No, it isn’t pretty.

Presto. Chango. The Reuben beauties then contort themselves into something resembling Kevlar sausage casings. They are transformed into hour-glass silhouettes while, surely, suffocating at least some of their organs.

Picture squeezing a watermelon into a banana peel, or squishing a butterfly back into her cocoon.

It reminds one of the 19th century corset – an undergarment so constraining its wearers could not digest their food and often died young, presumably from starvation or some related gastric-intestinal malfunction.

To what purpose? That’s the question.

If the idea is to imitate a manufactured cultural expectation of sexual allure in order to attract a mate, it’s a plan with serious flaws.

At some point a woman has to take off her clothes. At the very least she risks the accusation of false advertising, and perhaps even injuring a potential partner if he or she is standing too close.

Don’t tell me my body isn’t good enough.

It’s 51 years old. I like to think of it as a 1967 Pontiac GTO with a bit of bondo on the back end and some rust.

When it was very, very young it performed extremely well on the track and the field and the basketball court. It could also access items on the top shelf at the grocery store, which is really the only thing it has in common now with its youngerself.

It produced four children. Do the math, if pregnancy was a jail sentence that’s three full years of consecutive time served.

My breasts – which occasionally get pinched in the catch of a high-waisted skirt – fed those kids for a total of seven years. (Considered, at one point, opening my own Scoopies.)

My body hasn’t any tattoos. Were I to get one it would be in the shape of an ornate picture frame centered over the stretch marks on my upper thigh.

My body has scars and so-called imperfections and it still treats me better than I treat it.

For a decade, at least, it sustained itself on food from arena concessions.

And I love it.

When I want to “flatter my figure” I strip naked in front of the full length mirror, give it a long, thoughtful look, and say aloud:

“Thanks. And you rock…even you rolls.”

Just Posted

Live music and harm reduction scheduled for Welcome Week

Pender Street Steppers will be playing Traverse on Nov. 28

Revelstokians trying to make a difference with Mindful Mondays

Locals invite you to make changes to reduce your carbon footprint starting one day a week

Revelstoke and District Humane Society raises $4,200

The community came out for their annual photos with Santa event

Keep that ‘friendly small town’ feel in Revelstoke this Welcome Week

Make friends with your new neighbours at one of many fun events Nov. 23-30

Bye bye Bei Bei: Giant panda born in U.S. zoo heads to China

Panda heads back to China as part of cooperative breeding program

B.C. to advocate for frustrated, confused, unhappy cellphone users, says premier

Maple Ridge New Democrat Bob D’Eith to advocate for more affordable and transparent cellphone options

WATCH: Coldstream garage fire as hot as 275 C: deputy fire Chief

Shop fire potential for ‘one heck of a fireworks show,’ O’Hara says

North Okanagan women head up college board

Gloria Morgan named chair and Juliette Cunningham vice-chair Tuesday

Artist waves women’s flag in Okanagan

SheShe declares femininity with all-encompassing exhibit

B.C. man who killed Belgian tourist near Boston Bar gets life in prison, no parole until 2042

Sean McKenzie pleaded guilty to second-degree murder of 28-year-old Amelie Christelle Sakkalis

‘Very disrespectful’: B.C. first responder irked by motorists recording collisions on cellphones

Central Cariboo Search and Rescue deputy chief challenges motorists to break the habit

Man accused in fatal Salmon Arm church shooting also charged with arson

Parmenter family home badly damaged by fire a month before killing

Most Read