Liam’s Lowdown: it’s the little things that get you

At first, the name of my column was going to be Liam’s Lament

Sometime’s it’s hard to know what to write.

Just naming this column was difficult. For days, all I could come up with was Liam’s Lament. The only problem was I didn’t want to always be complaining. As you’ve probably noticed, I’m not good at headlines. My mind is slow and like good sourdough bread, it takes time to ferment and create something good.

But if I hadn’t been able to get beyond Liam’s Lament, here are some of the things I would have talked about:

1) Such as when servers come around with the pepper grinder at restaurants before the customer has even tasted it. Like, what gives? I don’t know if my meal needs pepper. Just leave the grinder on the table and let me taste it first. Then I’ll decide.

2) Phoning airlines. Do they on purpose make it so unpleasant that they hope we’ll hang up and buy a new ticket or die from old age while waiting? And don’t even get me started about luggage. How did we let airlines get away with it and charge for checked bags? Some of us require more than a toothbrush. If only Harry Potter was real and we could use broomsticks.

3) There should be an express checkout line at the grocery store for people with ice cream. My meal is melting away before I even leave the store.

4) Why do batteries in battery packs only come in twos and fours, but everything I own needs three? It’s a conspiracy.

5) The people that pee on the ski trail. Like, really? You have enough energy to ski, but you can’t shuffle off to the side and at least aim beyond where my poles land. Stop making other people ski through your urine.

I don’t have a picture of a cooked chicken, so a turkey will have to do. The same argument is relevant nonetheless, something cooked has more effort. So, logically, it should cost more. Or did the bird have the plague? (Liam Harrap/Revelstoke Review)

6) Why is a cooked chicken sometimes cheaper than a raw one? What the heck is wrong with the cooked one? Did it fall off the back of the truck or been nibbled by rats? Perhaps those aren’t flecks of pepper…

7) To the restaurants that think they can re-imagine the classics. Sometimes you can’t. There’s a place in Revelstoke that serves a Dark ’n Stormy cocktail, but it’s clear. Like water. It’s as if they have disregarded the name of the drink. A Dark ’n Stormy is made with dark rum (the dark) and ginger beer (the stormy). It must have colour. If it’s made with white rum and white ginger beer (which I didn’t even know was a thing because I thought that was ginger ale), it’s not a Dark ’n Stormy, but something else like a Vanilla Sky. It’s like trying to make poutine without curds or Caesars without clam broth. You. Just. Don’t. Do. It.

8) I was in northern B.C. last week and gas was cheaper. How? Gasoline in Revelstoke comes from Kamloops off the Trans Mountain Pipeline. Not including the pipeline, it’s transported three hours. Last week, in Tumbler Ridge, gas was two cents cheaper per litre. Most likely, it comes from Prince George, which is a five-hour drive. Tumbler Ridge is the end of the road and a town of roughly 2,000 people. Meanwhile, Revelstoke is four times the size and on the main highway for the entirety of Canada. If the grocery stores were found guilty of price pricing the cost of bread, then by gosh what are the oil companies doing?

9) Why is it called ‘falling in love’? Since when has anything good come out of falling? i.e. We had a falling out, the building fell down, they fell to their death, etc. Shouldn’t it be called ‘rising into love’ instead?

And that’s just naming a few…


 

@pointypeak701
liam.harrap@revelstokereview.com

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